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Warning: ... there's no sex, so don't get excited... and read the description. It can enhance your experience, so to speak. ;) But it also may cause fangirling....

With a sense of dread, your fingers ghosted over various trinkets, feeling a plethora of textures and shapes.  You let your hand hang in the hat for a couple of moments, trying to delay pulling out an item as Splendorman looked at you expectantly.  You chose an item at random, yanking it out of the hat and holding it with a trembling hand out in front of you.  The rose seemed to faintly shimmer in the light, it's rich (f/c) color captivating.  It was pristine quality; you couldn't find any flaw in its petals.  A subtle, sweet scent reached your nose, ensnaring your senses in it's perfect form.  While you were mesmerized by the unusually beautiful rose, however, Splendorman watched you in horror. 

You couldn't have picked out a worse item.

"(Name), dear, please pick again-" he said, insistently pushing his hat towards you.  You noticed his hand was slightly shaking, and a nervous smile was plastered his face.  He visibly struggled to keep his demeanor calm and level.  Tilting your head to the side in confusion, you hesitantly began to put the rose back, it's stem just hovering over the opening of the top hat.  That is, until you felt a voice whisper in your ear:

"Hey there~" the male whispered in a coy tone, ending his sentence in a sultry chuckle.  You snapped your head upwards, stifling a startled yelp at the faceless creature before you.  At first, you thought he was Slenderman, but after noticing his dark trench coat and fedora you realized that this was not the case.  That, and his mouth (which had just ripped across the lower half of his face) was upturned into a sinister smirk, sending a shiver down your spine.  His hand gently reached out to caress your chin, tilting it upwards as his thumb traced small circles by your jaw.  He leaned in, his smirk growing at the flustered expression on your face.

"Save it for the closet!" You heard someone yell from the back of the room.  

"Offenderman, I really don't think-" Splendorman began.  Sexual Offenderman didn't even let him finish.

"I can do it in seven minutes." he said, waving Splendorman away as he pulled you close by the waist and guided you to the closet.  He pushed you through the door, firmly but gently.  You heard Splendor object one last time before Offenderman closet the door.

"That wasn't what I meant-!" he sputtered, reaching his hand out to the entrance of the closet.  Again Offender cut him off, shutting the door with a definitive slam.  

Almost automatically you backed up against the wall, and Offenderman followed, his hands pressing against the wall on either side of your waist.  You felt him shift slightly in the darkness, his back moving towards the door so you were backed into the corner.  He leaned in closely, and you could hear his hat drop to the floor as he tore off his tie with a resounding rip!  You opened your mouth to object as Offenderman loomed over you; things were moving way too fast!  A small blush made its way onto your cheeks as you noticed that his trench coat was opened quite a bit, exposing a bit of his hard-muscled chest underneath.  In the darkness, you could see a shit-eating grin on the Slender's face as he leaned forward, his lips just grazing yours.

Gulping, you tried to squirm away, but Offenderman seized your body.  A large hand cupped your hip and another grasped your shoulder as he pulled you in, his mouth open like he was about to devour you.  Your frightened yelp echos throughout the closet, but becomes immediately muffled as a long, pale tentacle wraps around the lower half of your face.  It completely covered your mouth, but Sexual Offenderman left your nose uncovered so you could still breathe.  Unfortunately, with the tentacle in the way, he couldn't exactly kiss you, and if he moved the tentacle away, you'd just yell again... so what was he to do now? 

Something really dirty, that's what.

Without giving it a second thought, the hand that was on your shoulder flew to your breast, giving it a slow, firm squeeze.  In the darkness, your eyes widen and you give a loud intake of breathe through your nose (as close to a gasp as you could get with Offenderman's appendage covering your mouth).  You writhed as you arched into his touch without thinking, a second tentacle shooting out of Offender's back and caressing the small of your back as he pulled you closer.  

The both of your hips were crushed together, grinding against one another and creating a delicious friction. Your head lolls back slightly, and your chest starts to heave with the force of your panting and the fact that you couldn't really breathe as Sexual Offenderman continued to roll your breast in the palm of his hand, his other hand leaving your hip and trailing to the button of your pants...

It wasn't long before he grew tired of massaging your chest through your shirt, so he promptly darted his hand under the hem of your tee and flipped down the cup of your bra, tweaking the nipple.  It dragged forth a stifled "Mmm~" from you, your palms pressed against his chest as he continued to press your body hard against his.  Meanwhile, his other hand grazed your pelvis before promptly flicking open the button to your jeans, his fingers teasingly grazing over your underwear as his tentacle suddenly retracted from your mouth.  You gasped, relieved that you could breathe, but Offenderman's tentacle was promptly replaced by his own mouth, his tongue immediately invading your mouth and tangling with yours like a snake. 

His hand rakes though your hair and to the back of your head, holding you so you couldn't escape.  You feel your face flush even more as pleasure crashed over you in waves, the hand that was currently at your pants suddenly grinding against one sensitive spot that made a loud moan make it's way past your lips.  The sound was greedily swallowed by Sexual Offenderman, and you clung to him as he hitched you up against the corner he backed you up into.  His hands flew to your thighs, keeping you suspended against him as he continued to ravage your mouth, your arms draping around his neck.  Without warning, he pulled away.

"You're a good kisser..." he whispers huskily into your ear, another pale tentacle affectionately stroking your neck.  It traveled upward, just touching the corner of your kiss-bruised mouth as Offender's many appendages rid him of his trench coat...

...and he wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"W-whoa, whoa, wait, what are you doing?!" you stuttered, recoiling back as far as the small space would let you.  "D-don't take off your clothes!" Offender silenced you with another kiss.

"Just shut up and take what's coming to you." he half spoke, half growled.  You opened your mouth to object, but you were abruptly cut off with another moan when Sexual Offenderman briefly removed his hand from one of your thighs and harshly rubbed you though your jeans, the ministration building the heat that lapped at your insides and sending delighted shivers up and down your spine.  Just as Sexual Offenderman's fingers hooked around the top of your jeans (and mostly likely your underwear too), there was a flurry of knocks on the door, accompanied by Splendor's yell of "Time's up!" 

The door flew open shortly after, but Splendorman didn't see the two of you in a naughty position like he expected.  In fact, he didn't see you two at all.  Offenderman had picked you up and teleported out of the closet into one of the guest bedrooms in the old house before Splendor had fully opened the door.  

And, let's just say... a wild night followed. 

... I'm not sure how I did with this one, but I just think you all ought to know that a perfectionist's gambit is a terrible one, especially when it comes to writing! I first thought I added too much detail, then I edited, then I thought that this one wasn't as sexy as the others, and IT TOOK ME FOUR DAYS TO WRITE THIS

But yes. Listen to this song, and feel the sexiness:


BTW, anyone else know what the hell is up with the links? They don't automatically go "[link]" anymore....
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Darkstar1142 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2015  Student General Artist
OMFP.... I.,... I.... I thought this one was going to be cute with him not doing anything... Oh how wrong I fucking was.... SO HOT.... HAHAHAHAHAHA! I am speechless..... SMEXY! AH! LOL (Morningstar, not darkstar) I fucking favorited! HAHAHA! Oh primus... I hope Megatron doesn't get jealous.... Hee hee hee! More of Smexy oh please yes...! 
Darkstar1142 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2015  Student General Artist
Megatron: What is going on?
Morningstar: Um... *closes laptop* Nothing, m'lord! Just.... researching ways on how to kill autobots!
Megatron: *optics narrow* I don't believe you. *grabs laptop and opens it, reading*
Morningstar: Oh slag....!
Megatron: *twitches, then evilly smirks* I've been ignoring you too much, haven't I, my little dragon...?
Morningstar: hee hee hee....

So much fun...
Cutiepie10728 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2015  New member
Billie Joe Sexual Tension LA EMOTE :hump: 

Ovaries- Explode la plz 
endrun105 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2014
Oh my god o.o awwwwwwwwww wait why do I find this cute? Sorry I'm weird like my band shall be PA THE TCL WAS ME yeah soz those is just me staying up all night reading this crap YAY WINTER BREAK ok peace fellow peoplez
Ask-Vixy-the-Fox1987 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2014  Student Digital Artist
WHY WOULD I- never mind... I luv it btw
ArtrianaSilver Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wendy: * looks into the cloest* Splendorman you should have known he was going to teleport out of there? Heck i even knew when she pulled out the rose. Well I going to set a sound prof barrier spell on the room they are in.

Splendorman: Why do I have a brother like that?* sighs*

Wendy: If it makes you feel better I have a surprise for all of you.

Splendorman: Really what is it?

Wendy: You have to wait see.
BreAndLee Featured By Owner Edited Oct 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Me: *Picks rose*
Offender: "Why hello there."
Me: -_-
Offender: <_<
Me: "I quit."
Offender: "But all the fun time we could ha-"
Me: "No."
Offender: "But why not babe?"
Me: "....."
Offender: "...?"
Me: *Crosses my arms*
Offender: *Opens his coat*
Me: Freddy Nosebleed 
Offender: Yato Sparkleeye Icon If you know what i mean 
Me: *Grabs Offenderman and runs upstairs to the nearest bedroom*
Everyone: O_O 
Slender: "I thought she would have been stronger than that."
Ticci Toby: " I didn't take her as one of those fangirls..."
Jeff: They're all out to get me... "Offender probably isn't that good in bed anyways..."
Me: *Upstairs, a loud repetitive thumping is heard* "OH GOD YES Smexy!!!"
Everyone: D: 
Jeff: Grumpy Mike 
Kyrria101 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
BEAUTIFUL! LOL!!! I <3 your comment!!!!!
Darkstar1142 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2015  Student General Artist
LinaPoppy Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2015  New member Student Traditional Artist
Sammy/My OC: I'm so glad I didn't choose a rose Frozen - Elsa is afraid 

Ben: But I can be equal~ Them eyebrows 

Sammy: o-o *clings to splendor* SAVE ME :CupidsArrow: 
DvArtGal13 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014
dammit I need a cold shower now
oh well
xxnillyxx Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh shit...
RejectedAngel903 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014
oh shit indeed
xxnillyxx Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I knowRun Away 
RejectedAngel903 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014
Run Can we go NAO Naruto Dancing (Naruto wtf r u doin)
xxnillyxx Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I dont know XD
Cupcake-eatr Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2014
Am alredy ded.
BreezeTheEevee124 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2014   Filmographer
Your dead then how are you commenting and stuff 😕🔥
Cupcake-eatr Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014
RejectedAngel903 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014
oh no....its much much worse
Bl00dyMurder Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
*Nose explodes with blood*
Offenderman: *strokes face* Don't worry, there's a lot more...
cobragirl369 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Jeff: *hugs*you're still mine*touches the marks from earlier*remember that.
*hugs jeff back and whispers*I love you,Jeffrey,
Everyone else:awww!
cobragirl369 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
😶oh my.......*faints*
Jeff:look what you did!
Offender😌i have no regrets!
Jeff: no comment
GirlWhoUsedToHide Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2014
*nosebleed* Oh my goodness. O-Offendorman such d-dirty things you d-do
CrystalCritic Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
I forgot it wasn't rape if you enjoyed it. I enjoyed this so much.
Darcy0414 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014
I knew who this was, why did I click on it, why, oh, why... -dead-
DatGurlSwag Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014
Me: *Pulls out a rose* O.O I knew this game was a bad idea! Do I still have to play!?!:crying: rvmp 
Offender: Yes you do >:)
Me: I hate my life DX
SMfanatic815 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Student Writer
Me: -draws out rose- umm...
Smexy: -appears behind me- well hello cutie.
Me: -didn't look back but stalk towards the closet- let's get this done then.
Smexy: -smirks-
The others: Ooooooooooo~~~

Sorry guys. I had quite a good (and possibly wet...) dream of him last night and now i don't think i can handle it much longer!!!!
Dragon5032 Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014
*charges (most likely...) upstairs* >:L
Me: IMMMMM COMMMMINNNGGG *rams door open* >:L back away from Glacier.....
Smexy: ....... *goes to teleport*
Me: Do that... and you shall be missing your 'friend' the next time I see you.....
Smexy: O_O ok ok you can have her back... IN 2 HOURS! *quickly pushes out of room and barracades door* ^_^'
Glacier: O_O duuude worst move possible....
*wall all of a sudden is frozen and shatters*
Me: eheheh.... time to die Smexy... >:3 AHAHAHAHHA 
GeekGurl234 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2014

I don't give a shit :D
*Hands over small piece of paper*
Write your full name and adress on here, 
The system is quite simple, I find him a victim, he finds me one c:
..Do it.
...wriiiiiiiite iiiiiit.
..So I can get laaaaaaid
Dragon5032 Featured By Owner Edited Nov 28, 2014
O_O Heck no. >:l Go find your own victim, shouldnt be hard you have the internet on your side
GeekGurl234 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2014
Aw cmoooon ;3;
Bunnies675 Featured By Owner Edited Jul 19, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Me: ok. Before I do anything. Is there anything I will regret picking in here?

splendy: oh yes. *takes out rose* good thinking. 

Offender: hey there...*sees splendor have the rose* DUDE!!!

splendy: why was this in here? *puts rose in offender's hand looking mad*

offender: ummm. I'm just gonna take the chick and go. 

Me: oh no I'm not going with you. I didn't take the rose as you can see. 

Offender : danget! *vanishes*
StitchedJester Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Why the fuck did I choose my youngest O.C.? ;-; Poor Mylyn.
Haru2001 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Holy shit, just ummm.... ha Nosebleed Plz 
superroxyfoxy42 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
TyphosGaGa Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
This was so cute c:
Jeffdasexykiller Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
with the music.. its amazing LOL
JannelleRubie Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Me:* pulls out the rose* * Stares wide eyes at it* OH HELL NAW!!
*Offender man appears behind me * Offender man: Hey, there.
Me: * Looks at him in rage mode * i will FREAKIN' PUNCH yo FACE if you do anything inappropriate to me. And even if you do something to me, even just a little tiny bit, i will do more than just to PUNCH YO FACE!!!!! YA GOT THAT????!!!!!
Offender man: Wow, you're wild.
Me: * Now in super duper RAGE MODE!!! * OH NOW YOU'RE GETTING MY NERVES, YA NASTY!!!!!!!!
Everyone: WOHOA!! 
Splendor man: Trust me Offender man, you do not wanna mess with her. She can be very much in rage mode than you ever know.
Offender man: Oh c'mon now, i can do it seven minutes in the clos-
Me: * now in karate fighting mode * * jumps on offender man and keeps kicking and punching so hard that he won't feel for his face and body for days. After a few hours of kicking and punching him, Offender man is now covered with bruises and wounds and scars. * *panting and panting so much. *
Splendor man: O_O
Everyone: O_O
Me: * Done with being in rage mode * Now you know you don't wanna mess with me. * walks away like a pro and cool girl. *
Splendor man: * leans to bruised offender man. * * whispers to him * That's what i meant and that's what you get for not listening to me.
Bobbypiner Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014
*all of a sudden everyone hears clapping and turn their heads to see me in 3D glasses and I have popcorn in my hand*
*ben comes over and takes me popcorn* 
Me: What......The.......FUCK DID U JUST DO *eyes go black and makes ben levitate in air then drops him and takes popcorn back* *gives popcorn* I think u would want some after that
JannelleRubie Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Thank you for the popcorn!! Hug Huggle! 
Bobbypiner Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014
*hugs back*
JannelleRubie Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Hug Huggle! 
Bobbypiner Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014
Sexual Offenderman: Can I get a hug too? *smirks*
Me: *rolls eyes and kicks face in*
Everyone: *claps*
JannelleRubie Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Me:*claps along* You my friend are a strong person and i am proud of you. You deserve a cookie!! Cookie Normal Cookie 
Bobbypiner Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2014
Sexual OFFENDERMAN: *stands back up groggily and says to u* can I have a cookie too? Eh?
you: *rolls eyes and sidekicks his face in as he falls on floor*
(1 Reply)
ANGRYRYAN Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
wow i laughed for 1 minute that was great
JannelleRubie Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks, I would be like that in real life though
but thanks again !!!!! :)
MidnaPlayer Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconfacepalmplz: Splendy pleeeeeeaaaaase don't make me do this...
Pasceli Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
She picked up the rose and her eyes went wide at the sight of it. Splendor, horrified, quickly grabbed her wrist and shoved it back in the hat. 

"Hurry now, pick something else before--"

"Well hello there, cutie~" A seductive voice whispered in her ear, making the girl shiver and turn to meet the gaze of the Offenderman. Her face paled and she had no time to think as a single white tentacle wrapped around her small wrist, towing her after Offender as he went to the closet. She struggled helplessly, reaching out a single hand to Splendor, eyes pleading.

"OHH GAWD SPLENDY SAVE ME--" Her cry was cut off as the closet door shut and locked, leaving the joyous entity to do nothing but hope and pray to Zalgo himself that she would emerge from that closet alive....

...and then the wild night ensued.
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Submitted on
July 16, 2013
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